Defense of Marriage : What God Hath Joined Together…
Marriage needs to be protected from Divorce. Well, duh. Of course it does. Well, why isn’t it? This article gives a decent introduction to the topic. I want to concentrate today on the interplay between divorcing parents and how divorce affects children. Much of the following is condensed from a paper I wrote on the subject.
Thirty years ago, the divorce rate was skyrocketing and many psychologists tried to convince the public that children would not suffer long-term harm from a family breakup. Today’s scholarship recognizes the truth of a statement made by psychologist and researcher Judith Wallerstein in her pioneering longitudinal study, “One cannot predict long-term effects of divorce on children from how they react at the outset.” As researchers gain greater access to the behaviors of children of divorce (as children, adolescents, and adults) they find a large number of disruptive outcomes due directly and indirectly to parental divorce. These unhealthy behavior patterns begin at the time of divorce and last a lifetime. By studying some effects of divorce on children, we reveal the sinful selfishness that underlies most divorces today - and give another reason to defend marriage.
For children of all ages, the emotional problems manifested in the early stages of the divorce process are rooted in feelings of depression and anxiety. For example, the children in Wallerstein’s study experienced a high incidence of intense loneliness due to absent working parents, single parents who were dating, and newly remarried parents. Her description of the findings is still referenced by much of the literature on the subject:
“We found 37 percent of all the children and adolescents to be moderately to severely depressed. As at the eighteen-month check point, depression was the most common psychopathological finding and was manifested in a wide variety of feelings and behavior, including chronic and intense unhappiness (at least one child with suicidal preoccupation), sexual promiscuity, delinquency (drug-abuse, petty stealing, some alcoholism, breaking and entering), poor learning, intense anger, apathy, restlessness and a sense of intense, unrelenting emotional deprivation.”
It is really in adulthood that children of divorce suffer the most when in search of love, sexual intimacy, and commitment. “Adults whose parents divorced when they were children are significantly more likely to marry early, have a history of divorce and remarriage, and have an unhappy relationship, and they are more likely to mistrust other people.” (Wallerstein) The “life-courses” of children of divorce follow statistically distinguishable patterns that contribute to less education, lower socio-economic levels, problems with interpersonal development, and higher levels of adult depression than children whose parents did not divorce.
The factors that cause the emotional stress that begin these destructive life-courses are related to parents working for their own interests at the expense of the children. The greatest time of stress for children is intensified by parents’ self-seeking behavior as they engage in the process of separating and legally divorcing. During this time, it is the excessive conflict between parents that causes the most psychological trauma to children. The anger, depression, and separation that often accompanies divorce also reduces the ability of parents to effectively engage in parenting activities.
Additional stress and psychological harm occurs with the remarriage of the custodial spouse. This is significant for a large number of children as approximately 80 percent of divorced fathers and 75 percent of divorced mothers marry a second time. Contrary to popular assumption, remarriage, even with its additional economic security, does not tend to have an overall protective effect for children of divorce. This is in part due to the higher rate of divorce for secondary marriages, 60 percent, compared to 45 percent for first marriages. Remarriage does not mitigate the effects of a first divorce. The same selfish people who divorced one partner find it as easy, or easier, to divorce another.
The biblical case is thus: God has created humans in his own image (Gen 1:27). As creatures reflecting the image of God, men and women are personal, or relational beings. This relational impulse is further described by Genesis 2:17 as God says, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” This relational creation is the basis for marriage as described in Genesis 2:24, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” The institution of marriage is based on the creative acts of God that yield personal, socially-orientated men and women. When God gives two people in marriage, he grants them a special relation that flows from the divine act of his creation.
Within the context of this relationship, humans are instructed to be fruitful and multiply in Genesis 1:28 as God blesses the first human family. This binds the presence of children to the existence of the relationship given by God in marriage. Just as no other helper was suitable for Adam, save that which came from his own body, no manner of engaging in the work of the earth was suitable save that which came from the one-flesh body of marriage shared with Eve. Children are binding symbols of the one-flesh relationship given by God and the calling of obedience God has on his creation.
Children exist as, among other things, a symbol of the unity of creation and calling; as both a part of humans’ biological self and as a reminder of the responsibility humans have in the work of God on the earth. The Westminster Larger Catechism succinctly summarizes a host of biblical instruction on the responsibilities of parents to their children:
“It is required of superiors [parents], according to that power they receive from God, and that relation wherein they stand, to love, pray for and bless their inferiors [children]; to instruct, counsel, and admonish them; countenancing, commending, and rewarding such as do well; and discountenancing, reproving, and chastising such as do ill; protecting, and providing for them all things necessary for soul and body: and by grave, wise, holy, and exemplary carriage, to procure glory to God, honour to themselves, and so to preserve that authority which God hath put upon them.”
Parents concerned with Scripture need to understand that divorce in any case must be seen as a last option and as a failure of two humans to adhere to the biblical standards for marriage. Divorce is selfish. The same sinful selfishness that characterizes divorce characterizes bad parenting. Again, the Westminster Larger Catechism summarizes much of the biblical teaching regarding the lack of fidelity to biblical standards of parental influence:
“The sins of superiors [parents] are, besides the neglect of the duties required of them, an inordinate seeking of themselves, their own glory, ease, profit, or pleasure; . . . dissuading, discouraging, or discountenancing them in that which is good; . . . careless exposing, or leaving them to wrong, temptation, and danger; provoking them to wrath; or any way dishonouring themselves, or lessening their authority, by an unjust, indiscreet, rigorous, or remiss behaviour.”
This description perfectly describes the behaviors and attitudes involved in divorce. As parents selfishly seek their own interests, children are harmed. This is true for both emotional and separational divorce and is seen in the increased inability of these children to establish stable and healthy relationships as adults. The stress of divorce leaves children with discouragement as to what is good and higher rates of depression, anger, and lack of trust follow. As parents become less effective in their parenting after divorce, they leave their children to excess danger and temptation. Higher rates of promiscuity, early marriages, repeated divorces, drug-abuse, and delinquency are the results. Further, parents who divorce dishonor themselves by tarnishing both the gift and responsibility of marriage.
The culture of easy divorce must be stopped. Work politically, make all the laws you want, etc, etc. The problem is partly legal, but it resides more in the hearts and minds of careless individuals who do not prepare themselves to accept a role God has outlined for them. Marriage is not the easy answer for guilt-free sex. There are consequences to this biblical action that must be considered. Parents most influence society through the proper parenting of their children. When parents fail to guard their marriages from divorce, they contribute to generation after generation of moral decay and the ripples of their decision create a wake in the waters of social stability. Marriage is important. Parenting children to mature adults is important. Do something beneficial for yourself and your society – improve your marriage, better your children - stay married.
Posted by Blandus at October 14, 2003 10:56 PM